Tuesday, December 05, 2006

News from the Colonies

Dear Editor,

For several months free issues of your "newspaper for English-speakers in France" have been plopping onto my doormat. You can stop now - I will not be taking out a subscription to your newspaper.

a) I don’t seem to be part of your target readership. I’m not a retired major from the Home Counties wallowing in “fantastic weather, delightful food and lovely wine”

b) I’m not interested in "safeguarding my finances" by handing them over to companies with trusty English names like Sibballs or Stanley Gobbons

c) I do not hanker after the services of one of the numerous British plumbers or joiners, or even sausages advertised in your small ads.

d) And I don’t suffer from "Septic tank odour" either which is sadly not the case of many of your readers, if those same ads are anything to go by.

e) I don’t believe that Anglo- at the beginning of a company name guarantees quality (viz Anglopack, Anglocomputers)

f) I’m not looking to import a Raeburn or an Aga

g) The soaring French membership of "Conservatives Abroad" is a source of dismay to me

h) I’m not looking for an Anglican church service either

i) And finally, fascinating as they sound, life is simply too short to read articles with headlines such as:
Mince Pies flying off shop shelves as local shops get a taste for Anglo Specialities

Planning a traditional bumper-scale Christmas lunch ? Check your French bird isn’t too skinny !


That is all.
Lezzles

7 comments:

deborah said...

... after "newspaper for English-speakers in France"
could be added in brackets :

(for those who don't speak or read French and have no intention of ever trying)
and
(for those whose vocabulary does not exceed Ladybird Books, reading level 2)

Lesley said...

Deborah: Heehee
or: written by people who don't know/care that there's a difference "to effect" and "to affect"

Sarah Mackenzie said...

Mmm... mince pies though. I love mince pies. My reverie was, however, tainted slightly by the mention of septic tank odours. Nice.

A lot of "Anglo" life in France falls within a very narrow sector of society, unfortunately.

Unlike the wave of French immigrants (young) streaming over to London and throwing themselves into creating a new life with no preconceived idea of the future, a lot of Anglos come here looking for a future with a foot stuck firmly in the past. A cheaper version of what they already had back there.

That's probably very unfair to most people but certainly looking at the anglo "newspaper" we would get here (if we cared to) that would seem to be the case.

This unbalanced fast lane/slow lane traffic also says something (bad) about France. It's not cool to come to France to live. Maybe Paris. But that's not that cool either. Why not? Hmm.. So until there is some radical change in how France is perceived as a place to live we will have people who place a high value on all those other mundane kinds of things.

Wouldn't mind an Aga though... to cook my flying mince pies in while conservatively safeguarding my septic sausages in the warm afterglow of "Oh Jerusalem" (the one in Surrey that is - where Jesus, the anglojoiner, was born).

Anonymous said...

Maybe I should celebrate the fact that I live too far East (ie too far from England)for it ever to be considered a good place to publish and sell an English newspaper?

You could probably count the number of Brits here on one hand.

Ms Mac said...

All French birds are too skinny, non?

Ms Mac said...

Also, are they using Septic Tank as a euphemism for, you know, our American Cousins? Coz that's not very pc! It's no wonder an intelligent woman such as yourself wouldn't want to associate yourself with such a racist rag.

Lesley said...

Sarah; I think that's there's defintitely a gap in the market for an intelligent person's Franco-English newspaper. Written and read by Croc wearers.

Wendz: Look out they're coming.

Ms Mac: Ah yes, perhaps I missed a hidden allusion - The Septic Tank Imbroglio.